A Deeper Look at “Because I Said So”

The Story Line.

This is the story of Daphne, the single mother of three daughters, the two oldest of who are married.  Worried that her youngest daughter, Millie, will end up alone, as Daphne is, (she’ll soon be 60 and she’s single) she secretly searches for a husband for Millie on an internet site. 

After many interviews (these are very funny, laugh-out-loud scenes), Daphne chooses Jason, an architect.  She’s convinced he’ll be a great husband.  She arranges for him to meet Millie “accidentally.”  In the meantime, Millie has “accidentally” met Johnny, a guitarist and music school owner.  These men have completely opposite personalities.  Millie does eventually decide on one.  But, who and why?  Sorry, I can’t tell; telling would spoil it but please watch.  It’s worth it.  Oh, and, Daphne ends up with a guy as well.

 

Now, for A Deeper Look.

 

I chose this movie because the main characters, Daphne and Millie, are both so exaggerated in their personality types.  With a little watching, they’re easy to identify.

Daphne’s types are Control, Control, and more Control As you know, there are three major Control types:  Control Over Self, Control Over Situations and Control Over Others.  Daphne is an expert at controlling situations and others.  She just has no control over herself.

She has huge feelings; they’re in control of her instead of her being in control of them.  And, the consequence is that her life is one reaction after another.

Early on, her older daughters tell her that she’s “hovering.” Yes, and she hovers and hovers throughout the entire movie.  I find that Controllers have one of two motives for their actions, either they want power or they want comfort.  Here Daphne’s goal is her own comfort.  She definitely won’t be comfortable until Millie is married. 

(Time out …… There’s a whole undercurrent here about Daphne reaching 60 years old.  She believes that means:  (1) being ALONE and (2) her life’s over.  But, instead of changing her own life so that she’s not alone and changing her irrational thoughts about life being over,  she involves herself with Millie’s love life, which really is none of her business.)

***Note:  Like Daphne here, Controllers look powerful, but UNconsciously they’re generally fearful; so, they use control to handle their fear.  They reason that if they have control, they can structure their lives and other’s (here, Millie’s) so that they don’t have to be concerned about surprises or changes.  Are they aware of the deeply buried fear?  Not usually.

Millie’s personality types are Pleasing and Comfort.  As you watch her, you’ll see indecisive, passive behavior. She’s ditsy and clumsy.  You’ll see that she’s defensive when she and her sisters and mom go to get massages together.  While the scene as a whole is really funny, if we look closely, Millie’s so defensive that she leaves and goes home.   Comfort people hate stress, pressure and expectations.  Poor Millie; her mom pressures her constantly.

Millie’s other equally strong personality type is her Pleasing.  She’ll say “No,” to Daphne but then backs down and gives in.  Daphne overpowers Millie; she’s just no match for her mom’s Control.  Pleasers will usually give in and give up before they’ll do anything to threaten the relationship.

There are other strong clues that she’s Pleasing.   (1) She “gives herself away” without even thinking about it.  For example, when John offers her ice cream, instead of being certain about herself and telling him, she tells him to get her his favorite.  (2)  Several times when she’s out with Jason, the architect, he orders the meal for her.  If we’re watching closely, we see that she doesn’t want his choice but she doesn’t speak up. 

Pleasers hardly ever really know what they want. But, even when they do know, they won’t risk saying, because the person they’re with might not like it.  Pleasers are very focused on going along with others.  They’re all about not disappointing other people, even if that means giving up what they want.  Why?  Because they’re desperate for a relationship connection.

Okay, let’s talk about the guys.

John’s personality is more balanced:  He’s a small business owner so we know he has serious goals (that’s Superiority), he’s in Control of himself and his life but, thankfully, doesn’t try to control others.   He’s really Pleasing with Millie, his music students, and his son, but he has enough Comfort to kick back and relax, get comfortable.  John is a feeling “relationship” guy; he respects Millie.  He also knows about self-respect, unlike Millie, because he leaves her when he finds out she’s also dating Jason.

Jason, on the other hand, is a head guy.  What are the clues?  Jason doesn’t “pick up on” Millie’s body language, facial expressions, or any of the deeper meaning in her talk.  He’s so occupied with what he wants, he just doesn’t have the deeper awareness that John does.  And, the deeper awareness I’m talking is a necessary ingredient for emotional intimacy.  On the surface, he’s definitely a nice guy and he sure has a lot of material things to offer Millie.  But, with whom will she have the happiest, most intimate life?  Ya’ gotta watch the movie and see.

Thanks so much for reading.  And, if you like this movie, you might want to see Must Love Dogs with Diane Lane and John Cusack.  It’s a pretty good study of personality types and relationship, too and I’ve reviewed it, as well.

 

Warmest regards until next time,

                                                        Joan

 

P.S.  You can become more acquainted with the four personalities I’ve mentioned in this review if you’ll check out the descriptions of each one on my site: http://allaboutpersonalities.com/.

Also, please come back next Friday for another movie review and check out my main blog on Tuesday for a new post.  Thanks, again.

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